Week Fourteen: New Year, New Body

Has it only been twenty-five pounds ago that I was in the worst shape of my life?

Does twenty-five pounds really make that much of a difference in someone over three-hundred pounds?

Can you really see a difference in the mirror after losing just twenty-five pounds?

The answer to all three is Yes, yes, yes!

Image by lumpi from Pixabay 

The New Year is all about looking back and seeing what you can do better. I'm now in my fourth month of Intermittent Fasting, and the journey has been an incredible one.

Before I started my IF journey, moving hurt. Walking was difficult. Standing was worse! And showering was so painful that I avoided it until I couldn't stand myself. I began to depend on those motorized shopping carts and contemplated getting a wheelchair just so I could go on long walks in the park with my husband.

Now? Moving still hurts, but the pain is bearable and lessens day by day. I can walk with very little pain once I get started, and it's so much easier. I can walk longer and stand longer than before. And showering isn't the ordeal it used to be- I was nearly crippled with pain when I began, but now I can get out and walk to the bed with very little pain.

Food used to be my go-to for everything. I hurt, I ate. I was happy, I ate. I was sad, mad, or frustrated, I ate. And the more I ate, the bigger I got, and the more frustrated/mad/sad I got, the more I ate. It was a vicious cycle I had to break but didn't know how.

Now I do. 

I still eat what I crave, but the desperate urge to eat is gone. I don't feel guilty when eating (sometimes I feel regret, but that's not the same!), and when I do eat too much, I just adjust for the next day. Food doesn't own me anymore! I've become a lot happier in general, and even my family notices the changes in my attitude.

I actually feel happier when not eating- how weird is that? But I do look forward to my meals more than I ever did before. I savor the flavors, sniff all the smells, and fully enjoy the eating experience. And it feels awesome.

As for the mirror and me, we never got along well. I'd even avoid the bathroom mirror that just showed my face, simply because of my double chin. I'd make a funny face at myself every time I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror.

When it came to the big dresser mirror? I'd just duck my head and avoid eye contact.

Now I can look at myself and not feel shame because my body is changing. It's more an analytical inspection than admiration- trust me- but I can actually see my body thinning here and smoothing there, and even see skin that I'm sure I haven't seen in decades. Granted, I'm not going out in a bikini any time soon, but I can smile a little when I see myself in the mirror now.

Mirror inspections help me to stay on track. I no longer have to remind myself that this is a permanent way of living, not some temporary diet plan. My family sometimes forgets that I don't eat in the mornings, so when they want to go out to eat or have family breakfast on the weekends I usually suggest later in the morning or early afternoon brunch instead. It will take time, but I need them to understand this is not something I'll ever stop doing. 

Yes, I can adjust the hours (and I have on occasion), but for now, eating in the morning is backfiring big time. So until I have more confidence concerning a short mid-day eating window, I'll sit there and enjoy their company if they can't adjust to my schedule. I don't expect them to do so all the time, but it is nice when we can all eat together. Sometimes they have something small in the morning, just so we can eat a bigger meal at noon. I have a fantastic family!

My resolutions this year have nothing to do with a gym membership, new diet plan, weightlifting, or yoga (okay, maybe yoga)- I want to remain consistent and steadfast in every aspect of my life. To stick with IFing, writing, and being the best wife, mom, and person I can be.

I want to walk on a beach with my husband. 

I want to go shopping with my daughter without having to depend on a cart or chair to sit in. 

I want to walk in the park with my family, chatting with them and anyone we meet, without looking for a bench.

I want to look in that mirror and see the difference in my body- and in my smile when seeing positive changes in the reflection.

I want to look better, but more importantly, I want to feel better. And I want to thank 2020 for helping me make those changes. But don't be too mad 2020- I won't miss you too much!